Here's to the sappy post....

I've thought about doing a post like this for a while now and fought with myself, trying to talk my way out of it but having nothing to post about for the past little bit is making it harder and harder to not post it.

This isn't a "feel bad for me" post and hopefully not one that y'all will look at me differently for but the whole part of having a blog for me is to push myself and move past my comfort zones... So here we go.

Happy, being happy.... I looked up the word happy one night just curious to see what it said, because I guess to me even as a little girl, I always thought being happy meant you had to be happy with every single little thing that went on in your life, that you didn't have any ups and downs, or bad days. The word happy means to be delighted, pleased, or glad as over a particular thing. I often forget that not everything has to be going the way I want it to, to be happy... That the little things, people, sunshine, smiles, for that matter, can make me happy. If you have heard Rihanna's song "What Now" she says this little sentence in her song... "The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I am feeling alone..." And maybe some of you relate and maybe none of you will. But I feel, at least for me, sometimes I get so caught up in how life is supposed to be and how I am supposed to be "happy" to everyone elses' standard when really the more I say that I am in that "standard of happiness" the more I'm not.. because no my life isn't perfect, I don't know that it ever will be and yeah I've been through more than most adults will ever have to at 21. I will have ups and downs and disappointments, but that even if it is the smallest, tiniest thing, that there is at least something to be happy about. 

A friend a couple of years ago said "I just want you to be happy, are you happy?..." and at the time I said "no I'm not", because at the time I felt like everything had to be going perfect to be happy. And yes my life isn't where I want it to be and sometimes my downs are longer and more often then my ups but I think that if I try to focus on the things that bring me joy and make me smile that those will get me through the hard things, and that in time my life will be where I want it to be, at least I can only hope.

Now here's the part I hope doesn't change the way you look at me, some of you know this... Most of you don't or don't know the extent of it all. I'm not going to go into detail about every single little thing because the past is the past. 

My parents got divorced when I was 5 and my memories of them being happy together are far and few between, if any that I remember. My mom got remarried very fast, and all the sudden I had two brothers and two sisters, three of those siblings being older. So I went from being the oldest to the middle child. Which in and of itself was hard. I remember on the nights that we got with our dad crying about wanting to stay with him, I'm not sure if it was because of not wanting to leave him or having to come home to a blended family. It was hard, everything was different, the downs being far greater than any up. My mom and step dad divorced when I was in 7th grade and were on and off since a couple months ago. 

When they got divorced I had to grow up real fast, I already had to act way older than any kid should but with my mom going back to work and I having two younger sisters to look after now, I became the mom for certain things. Can I say I regret it, my life and the way I had to be the strong one for everyone else, no I don't. It was hard no doubt and only got harder as did my trials. I had to face the consequences of family members actions in high school, the years that I thought were supposed to be my best years ever, weren't. And now I won't get them back. I made mistakes due to things I went through and feeling like I was alone... But no I can't say I regret it, it has made me who I am and some days I hate it and wonder "why me" "like really though" ;) and others I'm gratefully for the friends and "family" I have gained because of it all. 

I've learned more about myself then I would have, having a my mom and dad together. I have learned to be strong, to care and love unconditionally, but also that it is okay, to not be okay... to cry every once in a while. To let others help you, I really struggle with that one;) And really that happiness is not being happy only when things are perfect. Because lets be honest they rarely are! There are things that make me smile and even if they're few, when I smile I know I am happy even if it is for a little while.... and that one day there will be more things to smile about. Life is hard and sometimes the bigger picture is too hard or scary to bare, so we enjoy the little things that make us smile and just let things fall into place, don't be lazy;) but don't try and make everything perfect, don't wait for everything to be perfect to be happy. So there is the sappy post for my blog. Like I said I hope that it doesn't change things, that it only helps you to smile and enjoy the little things that do make you happy. 

XOXO elle